It’s time we have a sit down with the cat. And let me make it clear this cat is not my cat. Or even our cat. This is my Fiancé’s cat. A distinction made very clear from the start. There’s no way I would pay for an animal that plots your death every day and thinks it’s more intelligent than you. An animal with built in claws sharper than Wolverine’s yet too dumb to know how to use them to be a caped crusader or anything useful at all. in fact this cat is a ‘special’ cat with a stub for a tail and thumbs on each paw, yet it can’t pour itself a drink or flush the toilet.
The reason for this must needed sit down is they this cat is delusional. He believes he is a super hero. A lean, agile, crime fighting cat that can leap tall buildings in a single bound. A stealth super beast with the powers to maneuver through a mission impossible style course with ease and skill, totally undetectable to the Hunan eye. Traveling at the speed of light.
This cat believes he should be cloned. The prototype for class warfare soldier.
He is the poster cat for “being all that you can be…and more”. This cat believes HE is the most interesting man in the world and can’t believe Dos Equis hasn’t contacted him yet for the part.
He recently beat out Mary Poppins in a pole to be ‘Practically Perfect in every way’
This cat is not man’s best friend but man’s closest thing to God.
This cat is THE shit.
So, I have to be tactical in my approach for my sit down with delusional cat.
I have to think about a way to approach the fact that he has, ahem, piled on the pounds recently. Not a fat cat per se, but since we are approaching the holiday season, I can quote South Park and coin their phrase ‘festively plump’. Big boned, some junk in his trunk. He can no more leap tall buildings than I can. In fact he has trouble making a simple jump. Not to mention he is struck with fear at the opportunity of stepping outside. A crime fighting super sleuth with agoraphobia. Now I know, it’s hard to come to terms with aging. He’s a shadow of his former self. How many super beasts puke up on the floor, cry when they don’t get fed and even throw a tantrum if their food bowl is empty by tipping the bowl in to their own bucket of poop?
Being too hard on the old fella, I hear you say. Let me finish with giving you a very recent example.
Time: 0100 hours
Action: cat attempts “leap” from bed to dressing table.
Distance of leap: 1.5 feet
Outcome: mirror knocked over, glass of water knocked on floor. Papers pushed on floor as cat tries to slide to a halt. Humans woken.
Cat response: a look of disdain at humans for leaving such mess in his pathway. Stupid humans. Cat saunters off with a dismissive swish of stub leaving destruction in his path. Mission failed and 2 angry humans.
So I ask you. Delusional, demonic or just plain dumb?